The nature of my job means that I tend to spend significant periods of time sitting at a desk with not a lot of real work (aka, something that isn't paper work) to do. I call these incubation periods, and justify it by the fact that even if I'm not physically doing anything productive, some biological process that I initiated is. So really, I'm multitasking when I'm browsing forums, eBay or staring blankly out a window at scrub turkeys in the distance.

Occasionally though during these periods I do come up with some cool ideas, and sometimes some dumb ideas. Whether or not I act on them is entirely irrelevant to the category they fit into.

During the week I contemplating, what sort of ghetto mods I could do to the Paj to shame chumps who take this off-roading business seriously. I love to stir people who take themselves a bit too seriously, especially if they spent a lot of money on their hobbies. Likely targets are people who wear shirts related to the hobby. Examples, wearing a GTR or EVO shirt (same difference). Now, I'm fully aware of the hypocrisy of this post, but lets ignore that for the moment as we wander off into another wonderful tangent...

There is nothing more satisfying than lapping some guy in a GTR with a similarly badged fire suit in a car held together by zip ties, electrical tape and bolts you borrowed from your futon. Well besides sex, that's pretty good. And that first breaking of the seal when you're on the turps. And a good Wagyu rump with mushroom sauce. So, actually there are quite a few more satisfying things. However, there's something about defeating someones idol in a nonchalant way that triggers a few endorphins. Its a bit like watching with enjoyment as some kid's sandcastle is destroyed by a freak wave. Yeah he spent an hour building it, but its just sand. Maybe I'm just a cunt, but I always laugh.

I feel sorry for the GTR owners who aren't fan-boys, and I know they exist. EVO drivers, well, I'm pretty sure their heads are so far up their own large intestines that they have no idea how the rest of the world views them. An Industrie shirt with all the buttons undone over a t-shirt of an opposite colour? Uhhh... please.

Brand loyalty is a bit like blind patriotism, by which I mean its retarded. The Olympics are coming up and patriotism is crammed down your throat in a way that is usually reserved for a reading of the Courier Mail. Its embarrassing. And I say this because I went to school with a gold medalist, and I always thought he was a dick. Now, Steve Bradbury what a legend. Got the gold by just not fucking up while all the favourites in the race slipped over and became a homo-erotic mess of spandex-clad losers. Just the sort of shit I'm talking about. The guy grew up in Brisbane - when was the last time you saw ice in Brisbane not in a bourbon and coke? He probably only got on the ice that day because he lost a bet and thought it'd be a laugh. A true champion.

I've never really seen the point in cheering on some random because you happened to be born in the same country and getting all excited because "we won". Yeah not really, you weren't exactly training at 6am every day.

Brand loyalty is pretty much the same thing, it invokes that same cringe worthy nonsense of being part of a community. No, not really. You just bought a car with the same badge as everyone else. Its not better because you own it. I mean if your Falcon is so great why is there a subsidy paid to build it (its not because its any good). Its like paying cunts to be unemployed. They get paid because people feel sorry for them, not because applying (googling) for 4 jobs that last fortnight was hard work.

Now Mitsubishi apparently doesn't have a great reputation amongst serious 4wder types (ie. bogans). And in fact models like mine aren't even supported by anything after market, aka your ARBs, etc. The end result is that owners of Patrols, Land Cruisers, Jeeps even Suzuki Jimnys tend to look down on you a bit for driving one. Now this kinda thing I love, because I'm the sort of person who loves a bit of drama, like a bit of the Rocky Balboa victory of the underdog emotion. Eye of the Tiger and all that (though given what Pajero is slang for in spanish, its probably more Eye of the Penis). Now I know you probably thinking that 4wding is incredibly boring, just a bunch of blokes in shit boring cars driving up hills. You're 100% right of course, it is just that. And I'm not really sure how I keep making blog posts about it. The thing is though, its kinda fun. You drive up some rocky hill smashing diffs, panels, bumpers and trees the whole way and when you get to the top you are wearing the same satisfied grin that the girl from the Westpac ATMs has when you've finish your transaction. And apparently there is a bit of skill involved in it, I don't buy it though. I just hold my right foot down and hold on for dear life.

Of course, the Paj was built from mostly stolen, scavenged and ill-fitting parts. It was assembled by some guys who were a little too grinder happy (especially after midnight) who believe JB Weld is a valid alternative to the balance shafts. The car is from eBay, the engine is from a Scorpion, the ignition gear is from a Sigma, the carby is from god knows what but its American, the wheels and tyres came from a guy who was giving them away for free (except for 1 that was left abandoned in a 4wd park), the EFI gear to fit to it is from a Magna and the fridge was built in the USSR (yeah it has a fridge). The whole thing is a cocktail of Mitsubishi parts that are different enough to not work quite right, or fail catastrophically. (The head for instance doesn't have the same size water galleries as the inlet manifold, so we had to make up an adapter plate from 2mm aluminium to cover the holes that don't match - but only after the JB weld didn't hold.)

Its a bit of a Frankenstein's monster, except that bloke probably didn't have as much trouble ordering parts. "Whats the VIN number?" "Uh... well..."

Anyway, to return to paragraph 2, this big idea I had during the week was to ghetto engineer a front diff-lock. Now there is a reason why a diff-lock is handy, when any diff (lsd or open) lifts a wheel all the torque is sent to the wheel spinning in the air. That means you've got no traction at all to that entire axle. If you lift a wheel on each axle you're fucked. A diff-lock stops this from being such a show stopper, but the problem is that for a start they are stupidly expensive ($2000), secondly they don't make them for Gen 1 pajeros and thirdly because thats all too easy.

So my plan was to source a Gen 2 diff that has a vacuum actuated clutch (not a slippy clutch like in transmissions or LSDs, but sliding race style clutch), weld the center (as in lock the diff), and have a switch which actuates the clutch. Obviously its ghetto, welding a diff is asking for trouble. Also because of the location of the clutch it basically only disengages one axle to stop it from binding up with its opposite wheel, so no axles or CVs will get snapped by driving it disconnected but because there's no differential action the front passenger side wheel (which will be constantly driven, essentially 3 wheel drive) will be undersped or oversped compared to the rear wheel on the same side. I'm guessing this will make the car under steer a bit, but because you only ever use 4wd on loose surfaces I don't see much drama.

So I contacted a guy I bought a car off ages ago who I remembered was a boiler maker and he said he could weld up the centre for like $30. Awesome, so headed out to Minden (very west) to one of the few wreckers where everyone has good teeth and ripped out a diff in Olympic time. Greg wanted a new gearbox for his other Pajero (which hes now giving away to a cousin) so we headed over to a different wreckers and with the help of a gas axe got a gearbox out in about an hour. The shed we were working in coincidentally made my garage floor look more like a pubescent teenagers face in comparison. A lot of fun to work on that floor.

Anyway, I'm kinda hoping I haven't missed some vital flaw in this most ghetto of mods. To take down a serious 4wd in a car worth less than a decent set of mud tyres would be fucking mint. Either that or it ends up on its lid. Should be a laugh anyway, keep an eye on youtube.

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